In the Diaper Bag

We may have three children, but we have yet to commit to the minivan. In fact we haven’t even committed to our children sitting in separate rows. That’s right, we have all three girls and their car seats and every stuffed animal, baby doll and book they own all situated in the 2nd row of our small SUV. The blessing and curse of this set up is that I can reach each of the kids relatively easily, and placing the oldest in the middle allows her the responsibility of handing out “exter” pacis or toys to her little sisters. Unfortunately, beloved animals, suddenly important books and essential pacis still fall beneath her grasp, and because it is so close  I just feel like I have to try and reach for what is lost in order to stop the melt down that is brewing over the object that was just vehemently dropped out of free will in the first place. Most of the time I am successful, however, there are some occasions when the object of desire flies on the passenger door side of the baby car seat and, try as I might, I cannot legally or safely get to that part of the car. Then things get really ugly. Fast. This is especially true of my youngest, Avonlea. She is still rear facing and cannot fathom why in the world I am not giving her what she needs. She has enough words to communicate her desire “paci, dwink, bears, book pease, pease, pease!”She knows that I am able to hear her, but she cannot see where it is or what is going on from my perspective. I do try to always place the diaper bag in a position that I can easily reach with my hand. So, as a last option, I can stir my hand around in the diaper bag to try and feel my way to something comparable to the dropped item. Then the funniest thing happens, Avonlea stops crying. The first time that I noticed this, I asked my oldest daughter if she had found a paci to give her, but she claimed that she had not given her anything. I was so happy that she calmed down that I removed my hand and kept driving. Instantly, she began screaming again! I put my hand back in the bag…silence. I finally realized that she was calm when she believed that I was working on solving the problem, when she could hear my hand rustling in the diaper bag, but she would cry when she could no longer hear my hand because she thought that I had stopped trying and would never meet her need. The Lord nudged me in that moment and said “Oh, she is just so much like you when you need something from me.” It is true. When I am really needing or wanting something that just seems so important and I persistently beg the Lord for it, I really do not understand why He will not give it to me. I need to remember that compared to His knowledge and wisdom I am”rear facing” and that His perspective is so much greater. I know in my mind that if He is asking  me to wait that He is doing so for my good and His glory, but my first response is to cry and scream and question why anyway. Avonlea helped me to understand that the reason I get so upset is not because of what I do not have but because somewhere along the way I have lost hope that He is working on a solution. I have allowed myself to doubt that His hand is moving. Because really that is all I need to know in order to wait in calm and peace and enjoy the ride. Whatever my desire. Whatever my need. If He has answered to wait, He can see what is ahead and His hand is stirring and working on a plan. He has not forgotten or given up, listen for the rustle. His hand is always in the diaper bag.